I Now Pronounce You John And Karkat

This is Karkat.

This is John.

They just got married...

"I now pronounthe you huthband and huthband," Sollux recited, nodding to both John and Karkat. The Cancer was trying to keep his poker face, but it was failing in many aspects, making him appear locked in an expression on mild shock and anger. John, biting his lip, looked nervously from Sollux to Karkat, his fingers working on the cuff of his tuxedo. The strain was palpable between them, every moment more tense than the last. "You may kith the huthband."

And they're both...

John closed his eyes, almost wishing it was all a dream. Kiss Karkat? Here? In front of Sollux? The Gemini had his camera ready, smiling for all he was worth as Karkat reluctantly turned to face John. Here it was; the final moment. One kiss and they were done. John leaned in, expecting Karkat to do the same. Karkat had other plans, though, and quickly diverted what would certainly be a disgracing action with a swift slap just as the flash went off on Sollux's camera, John letting out a gasp of shock and holding his cheek.

TOTALLY STRAIGHT

"That's how we roll in our house," Karkat explained to Sollux, John simply nodding in agreement. Just smile and nod...and hope he doesn't kill you.



A Hussie Production

Brought To You By Writers Responsible For 'tHE eND'



Dave sighed, bringing a hand to his forehead in exasperation. Just when he thought John could do no worse... "If this marriage is something you've cooked up in response to this pension problem, you are not taking me down with you." John smiled softly, never saying a word as Karkat turned to stare through him icily.

"This marriage is the only way I can make sure Casey gets my pension if anything happens to me," John explained patiently, Karkat glaring at him from down the table. John gazed back with large pleading eyes and a gentle smile came over the troll's face, accepting.

This summer...

"Mr. Egbert?" Eridan called up to the roof, where John was installing another gaming satellite among the twelve others. "Yeah?" he asked, looking down from his place on the ladder. "I'd like to talk to you about your domestic partnership." John's face blanched quite suddenly, the shock causing him to fall hard to the ground.

Two of Homestuck's craziest are going to turn a little lie...

"Your domestic partnerships is being challenged by Alternia," Terezi announced, sitting behind her desk as she adjusted her red glasses. "You guys have nothing to worry about because you're a legitimate gay couple, right?"

...into a whole new way of life.

John fidgeted, smiling disarmingly. "Yeah, yeah, we're big time fruits," he stated, Terezi smirking softly. Karkat nodded, following along. "Oh, I like men...the way they smell, and..." he paused, feeling that he was digging a very embarrassing grave for himself. Terezi nodded, on the verge of laughter. "Okay. This investigation is going to get rough..."

Casey looked up from her dinner, smiling that innocent trademark Casey smile. "How long is Uncle Karkat staying with us?" John blinked rapidly, trying to think up a quick answer and failing before Casey rounded her questions on Karkat. "What happened to your place? Are you and Dad homosex-icles?"

Terezi shook her head slowly, trying to explain just how deep the two were into this. "They will quiz you about every aspect of your relationship."

"If we get caught, we're going to jail!" Karkat accused, prodding John in the chest.

Eridan smiled falsely, still creeped out by the pair. "Have a great day," he murmured. "Oh, we will!" John chirped back, not even passing Karkat a glance before he slapped the troll's rear, causing Karkat to yelp and glare at him in fury.

On July 20th

The only thing hotter than being a man's man is letting go of being a ladies man.

"I'm cooking Terezi a thank-you dinner," Karkat announced, to which John instantly replied. "You're hitting on our lawyer again?! You can't touch her! Our lives depend on everyone in Alternia believing you're gay!"

Andrew Hussie cordially invites you to a comedy...

"Thanks to you, I can't even get close to her; I can't even have fun with her!" Karkat yelled. John gawked, waving his arms in disbelief as the hood of his God Tier jacket flew in the wind coursing over the roof. "Why can't you have fun with me?!" "Because you're smothering me, John, I can't fucking breathe!" "Because you're afraid of feeling trapped; that's what happens when you get married!" John rebuked accusingly. Karkat growled softly in irritation. "Dumbass, we're not really married!!"

...about true romance...

John looked up from his cereal with exasperation, dropping his spoon back into the milk. "Karkat, that's not a pillow case, that's my underwear!"

...in the faking.

KARKAT VANTAS, JOHN EGBERT, AND TEREZI PYROPE.

"That's the greatest body I've ever seen," Karkat muttered in embarrassment as he stood before a half-nude Terezi, "besides John's." "Oh, these are real, by the way," Terezi stated, pointing to her clothed breasts. "Feel 'em." She placed Karkat's hands them, to which Karkat blushed bright red and pulled away with a childish, "Eww, yucky~..."

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU JOHN AND KARKAT

"You are a lousy best friend and a stupid ugly husband!" John accused, rushing past Karkat angrily. "For the record," Karkat yelled back, turning to face him, "every time I laughed at one of your jokes...I was faking it."  brief pause followed as John expressed his distraught. "You're a monster!" He claimed, walking away.

COMING OUT SOON